40 Theo Von Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski III, professionally known as Theo Von, is an American stand-up comedian, podcaster, actor, and popular television personality. He is best known for his unique comedic style, engaging storytelling, and hilarious jokes and one-liners. Here are the best Theo Von quotes that will surely tickle your funny bone.

Born in Covington, Louisiana, in 1980, Von rose to prominence as a contestant on MTV’s reality show “Road Rules: Maximum Velocity Tour” in 2000.

Following his season of Road Rules, Von was on four seasons of MTV’s reality game show The Challenge, out of which he won two seasons. In 2006, he competed in season 4 of The Last Comic Standing and won the season.

He then became a member of the comedy sketch show called Reality Bites Back competing and beating his fellow comedians.

Theo Von has performed on numerous comedy specials including notable specials like “No Offense” and “Regular People”.

Apart from being a successful stand-up comedian, Von is also a prolific podcaster. He is the host of the This Past Weekend podcast and former co-host of The King and the Sting podcast.

In his podcast he engages in comedic discussions and interviews with his guests from the entertainment industry. His podcast has earned a dedicated fan base making him an entertaining figure in the world of comedy.

Here is the list of some of the most memorable and funny Theo Von quotes that reflect his humorous and thought-provoking perspective on life, love, and more.

Top 10 Theo Von Quotes

1. “A plate is just a spread-out cup.” — Theo Von
2. “Kites are just birds without wings.” — Theo Von                                       

   
3. “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” — Theo Von                 

   

4. “I don’t know. If I knew, I’d know, ya know?” — Theo Von
5. “New Jersey, I’d say, is one of the top 50 states.” — Theo Von
6. “A hat is just like a tiny apartment for your head.” — Theo Von                 

   

7. “They’re just jokes, people. They can’t all be funny.” — Theo Von       

   

8. “I could have been a dancer. I just never got my shot at it.” — Theo Von     

   

9. “Howie Mandel is my favorite. He’s so friendly, and he’s a family man.” — Theo Von
10. “If I could have anything, I would probably get an old Ford F-150 from the ’70s.” — Theo Von

Best Theo Von Quotes

1. “You ever wish you were blind?” — Theo Von
2. “Camping is like being briefly Amish.” — Theo Von
3. “The ferret, the limousine of rodents.” — Theo Von
4. “I didn’t really eat much today. I had, uhh.. two orange halves.” — Theo Von
5. “Your toes are like ten small little Floridas just hanging off your body.” — Theo Von
6. “I got booed off the stage one time. This was at a University in Florida.” — Theo Von
7. “You are an inmate who is not locked up if you’re eating ice cream with a fork.” — Theo Von
8. “I got the fingers of a pianist or somebody looking for something real small in a basket.” — Theo Von
9. “When I was young, they had four machines at the gym for ladies, and three of ‘em were stoves!” — Theo Von
10. “They had all the tall boys in my 8th-grade class go try to round up some chimps that had escaped the local zoo. Felt good to be considered a tall boy at the time.” — Theo Von

Famous Quotes By Theo Von

1. “A reindeer is just a gay moose.” — Theo Von
2. “Are mosquitoes like litty bitty birds?” — Theo Von
3. “A PT Cruiser is like a hearse for midgets.” — Theo Von
4. “Anything could happen when you’re daydrinking.” — Theo Von
5. “You know, it’s like the wolves are out. It’s almost like a full moon, but all day long.” — Theo Von
6. “You can always come back. Throughout my life, I’ve been back home to my Louisiana home fifty times.” — Theo Von
7. “As soon as I was tall enough, my dad used to let me drive him 60 miles or 70 miles to work. That was pretty fun.” — Theo Von
8. “I don’t know if I’m living sometimes or if I’m doing a to-do list. And then I don’t know whose to-do list it is sometimes.” — Theo Von
9. “In Louisiana, you can drive when you’re 15 – you could get your driving permit. I remember, during driver’s ed, I fell asleep at the wheel one day.” — Theo Von
10. “The students didn’t know that I had to come back out six more times because I was hosting the show. They just thought that I was a comedian opening the show.” — Theo Von

Funny Theo Von Quotes

1. “Crutches are just ‘polio chopsticks’.” — Theo Von
2. “Bees are Satan’s little German Shepherds.” — Theo Von
3. “Australian is British people that weren’t doin good.” — Theo Von
4. “I had to defecate and that’s actually French for sh*t.” — Theo Von
5. “Eat donuts. Get urgently cared for. Then go to heaven.” — Theo Von
6. “I’ll attack one of these guys for oil, bru. That’s how American I am.” — Theo Von
7. “I’m one day without vapin’ and I wanna smoke a bowl of my own nut!” — Theo Von
8. “I have a rare body type. I have the rib cage of a large cat and the heart of a lesbian.” — Theo Von
9. “I sit face forward on a toilet with both my legs out in front of me like God intended.” — Theo Von
10. “I didn’t know all my friends were damn sex offenders, until Hollywood told me that they were.” — Theo Von

Conclusion

What are your favorite Theo Von quotes and Theo Von sayings listed above? If there are any other inspirational quotes that we’ve missed then let us know in the comments section below.

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